Are you ready for kids? Here's the test.
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the
couch and leave it there all summer.
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a
friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure
that all the arms stay inside.
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy
cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump
the contents of the jug on the floor.
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag
until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up
your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more
and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an
alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas
candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a
ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put
it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the
cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them
into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There,
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave
it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your
closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to
help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table
manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should
never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the
last time you will have all the answers.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades,
they can ignite.
3. A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to
rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong
enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the
ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a
hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year-old
man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire
even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGO's will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
20. The fire department in our town has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
THREE LITTLE PIGS
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And
so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,
'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy SHIT! A
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.